The Era

Meredith Flaker

2011-05-19T23:11:00.000-07:00

"Federal Communication Commissioner Meredith Baker announced she's resigning next month to become Comcast NBC-Universal's Senior Vice President of Governmental Affairs... [just days after voting in favor of the media monopoly on telephone, cable, internet, news, networks, and other communications services. Welcome to more of the same.]"

[1] Hulu Link to Daily Show segment. [2] Washington Post article.

despite the suspicious fox in the news, it's true.

WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?!!?!?!?!

John Stewart with John Oliver on American Freedom Packages

2011-03-24T00:56:00.000-07:00

Pro-Life Marries Slavery to Abortion

2011-03-10T23:29:00.000-08:00

John Stewart brings in experts to discuss abortion and the pro-life campaign’s recent attempt to compare abortion with slavery. Please laugh if you haven’t yet.

“Awww, in their little Timberland boots?”

Queering the Colors of Race

2011-02-22T01:34:00.000-08:00

The following is an essay I submitted in my Representations of Race & Violence in the Media class based on the discourse of queer bodies of colors and their unequal representation in the LGBT movement.

Queering the Colors of Race

Nearly two decades after the Reconstruction Era, a prominent case in the Supreme Court of the United States litigated racialized boundaries for the first time in the country’s history. Ruled in 1896, the decision between Plessy v. Ferguson ruled an “imagined division between ‘black’ and ‘white bodies’” that eventuated to “Jim Crow segregation, an institutionalized apartheid that lasted well into the twentieth century” (Somerville 1).

At nearly the same time, sexual identities, rarely articulated before, were emerging. In 1892, Alice Mitchell was accused of murdering her female lover Freda Ward in a highly publicized trial (Duggan 791-814). Media coverage from the case influenced popular culture about the destructive nature of lesbians. Additionally, another case charged Oscar Wilde with “gross indecency” with other men, which violated English criminal law (Somerville 3). These two cases did not mark the start of a natural homosexuality between other humans, as history would otherwise dictate, or even the start of public punishment of homosexual activity, but rather the cases, with the coinciding sensationalized coverage, brought into the public consciousness of homosexuality as an identifying trait. According to Michel Foucault, “Only in the late nineteenth century did a new understanding of sexuality emerge, in which sexual acts and desires became constitutive of identity” (Somerville 2).

Considering homosexuality as a construction of identity between individuals who participate in same-sex behaviors, then a challenge to heterosexuality posits that an identity between individuals who participate in opposite-sex behaviors is also a social construction. As a result of such identifications, a public concern for the surveillance of sexual behavior became increasingly important as Americans aligned themselves to a more categorized society as science, medical, and sexological literature acquired more definitional power in the nineteenth and twentieth centuries (Somerville 17).

Despite the fact that Mitchell and Wilde were not black, the simultaneous reporting of black crime and homosexual crime shaped the public opinion that both were undesirable and required discipline, deeply engraining a connection between the two. Still, the idea that these two instances were coincidental treats race and sexuality as unrelated. Instead, Siobhan Somerville argues “the formation of notions of heterosexuality and homosexuality emerged in the United States through (and not merely parallel to) a discourse saturated with assumptions about the racialization of bodies” (Somerville 4).

One such example of the racialized sexuality is suggested by theorists Kobena Mercer and Isaac Julien, arguing that the Western concept of sexuality derived from European colonialism. In their attempts to civilize savaged peoples, the constructed identity of the Other was their nakedness and visibility of its sex (Mercer and Julien 106).

Fast-forwarding to present day discourse of homosexuality, I attempt to connect historical formations of racialized sexuality with problems occurring in the contemporary Lesbian-Gay-Bisexual-Transgendered (LGBT) Movement, has covered much ground in recent years. With its most prominent roots situated in the civil rights movements of the 1960s, the pace of the contemporary LGBT Movement has won victories of same-sex marriage equality laws in certain US states and a growing acceptance of homosexuality among the public. Despite some of these few achievements, deeper struggles within the movement and culture hinder its progress, like racism. According to Chris Chambers, “Some have observed strained relations between white gays and gays of color, limited interaction between these groups, and marginal participation by gays of color at mainstream gay events (Altman, 1982, Lewis & Steven, 1996)”. By applying critical feminist theory in combination with an understanding of racialized sexuality to the current discourse of both heterosexuality and homosexuality, I argue that social justice for LGBT people of color will advance on the basis of a more dynamic framework.

In terms of racialized sexuality, a discussion on such politics by Tricia Rose argues that one way black females utilize sexual power is through their bodies. Rose recognizes Black sexual power by contrasting it with “American culture… [which] places a high premium on long thing legs, narrow hips, and relatively small behinds” (Rose 168). By attracting attention to the opposite sexual symbols of White society, Black Female rappers like EU and Salt ‘N’ Pepa give Black culture an alternative to access and control their own power, allowing them to choose their sexual partners all while inverting Western notions of sexuality. The success of an alternative black sexuality is shown in a plethora of popular rap music in the 1990s with “Pop that Coochie” by 2 Live Crew and “Rump Shaker” by Wrecks-in-Effex and of course Sir-Mix-a-Lot’s “Baby Got Back” (Rose 169).

As discussed in Tricia Rose’s book Black Noise, black female emcees had trouble identifying with the label feminist, despite their agreement on advancing female gender roles. Despite their attempts to advance struggles for women, their musical narratives were based on black female life. In contrast with the mainstream feminist movement of the 1960s whose fight featured mostly the history of white middle-class female struggle, which oppressed Black people and their own visibility, to be a black and feminist meant you were anti-Black male according to Brigette Moore, a representative of Hip Hop Women’s Progressive Movement (178). Mainstream representations of black rappers distorted hip hop culture’s use of music as a realm of power negotiations to a forum of anger. Black female rappers, in this case, were seen as angry women.

Furthermore, feminist theorist Kimberle Crenshaw contributes, “Feminists thus ignore how their own race functions to mitigate some aspects of sexism and moreover, how it often privileges them over and contributes to the domination of other women” (Rose 181).

When it comes to queer theory, much of the same implications from “the authoritative universal voice – usually white male subjectivity masquerading as non-racial, non-gendered objectivity –” disguises the LGBT movement attempt to connect to a more diverse base.

More prominent scholars in the field of LGBT studies like Hunt and Benford “suggest that collective identity is a “shared sense of “we-ness” and collective agency” (440). Though the movement attempts to solidify its base through the idea of we-ness, it’s domination by white gay men limit the membership boundaries of who “we” is through its representation in the mainstream press. This limitation of collective agency can beneficial for the particular dominant representative, whiteness in this case, in that addresses to their needs are met more efficiently because of its simplicity.

Hunt and Benford describe that gay activism originated from the federal policies threatening gays working federal jobs because their homosexual activity, thus jeopardizing their much of their livelihood (Chambers 5). Obtaining a federal job also notes their college education, middle class (or higher) status, and whiteness. In order to organize a national effort, activism depended on a network of resources of capital to build communities that recognized their needs, thus the emergence of gay, mostly white, communities (Lewis and Stevens 22-26).

Perhaps most importantly, the focus of gay activism as a single issue political and social movement “suppresses any appreciation of how these other identities might shape the experience or expression of sexuality in different ways” (Chambers 11).

How does a storehouse of imagery contribute to the stereotypical white middle-class mainstream representation of the movement? Whether they consist of Black or Latino, gay or straight, rich or poor, true or false, the pervasiveness of the images provide the public with a sample of what elements of their culture have in common (Gooding-Williams 163). For the images of gayness in the media, most represent the Euro-American centric gay male. Moreover, Stuart Hall adds white supremacy perpetuates its pervasiveness through popular media, particular film and literature. Stereotypes like poles of natural superiority and inferiority or domination and subordination were the discourses chronically reproduced, much of which place whites in dominant and superiority complexes (Hall 38). Domination and superiority, however, are not simply acquired, but rather managed in such a way by characterizing or oppressing the other. The following discussions provide the implications of isolating sexuality and race and the lack of representation in the LGBT movement for people of color.

Racism within the gay community and the lack of gay tolerance in the Asian community is devastating for many gay Asian men. As with the storehouse of imagery, Chay Yew’s acclaimed play, Porcelain portrays a gay Chinese man charged with killing his white lover. Both Chinese audiences and gay audiences deny any acceptance of its representation, while gay Asians must deal with a dual marginalization.

Similarly, another popular media depiction of Asians featured in Details Magazine with a column publication entitled “Gay or Asian?” which attempts to challenge readers if the man in question is either “gay or something else” (Choi Han Proctor 2). The logic poses that one cannot be gay and Asian, marking Asians as a category of effeminate, flamboyant, simply easily mistakable as gay (Choi Han Proctor 2).

In a study conducted by Chong-suk Han, Kristopher Proctor, and Kyung-hee Choi, an informant admitted:

“It is somewhat intertwined at times. With racism, you have to learn to be proud of who you are and with homophobia you have to learn to be proud of who you are again. Being a gay Asian male, it is a minority of a minority and you have to learn to be proud of yourself again.”

A propagation of gay Asian male femininity is intelligible with a historical account of its origins. Prominent scholar on Orientalism, Edward Said presents “orientalism as mechanism through which the orient is penetrated silenced, and processed” (Said 207). By tracing back to colonial history and the slave trade, Said argues that the Orient has consistently been characterized as a place of exotic sensuality. Excommunicated gay European men sought the East as an opportunity to fulfill their desires in a place of sexual opportunity. Relationships between Western gay men and Asian gay men mapped clichés of the latter as passive, feminine, and most importantly, subordinate. This racialization of gay Asian male sexuality is even more explicit in gay pornography, which many attribute to the cultural life gays and their storehouse of imagery of sexuality.

Created mostly for gay Western consumers, a magazine called OG: Oriental Guys in its 19^th issued featured a photo spread entitled “Hitchhiker Kidnapped!” In its racially coded imagery, a very masculine Asian male in military costume is manipulated by a white male. Camera close-ups articulate the Asian man in an enforced sexual servitude (Kendall Martino 166).

In cinematic gay pornography with Asian themes, a porn star by the name of Brandon Lee is often shown as the masculine partner since he is always featured doing the penetration, opposite of the stereotypical submissive role. Despite this Claudine Ko’s analysis on the cultural product examined that despite this visual dominance, it turns out that the white male he was having intercourse with commanded every move Lee performed, thus negating the dominant-subordinate dynamic. (Ko).

Clearly, the intersections of race and sexuality must be viewed from the context in which it is presented or argued. Traditional notions of sexual greatly derive from a Western cultural context. More probing questions about race and sexuality, therefore, must be invoked in order to register a more comprehensive awareness of one’s identity. A discourse about sexuality without the history of race cannot completely account for the intersecting identities that millions of LGBT peoples, especially those of color, come to terms with. By bringing this emerging discourse to consciousness, I hope to provide a reason for the repercussions of isolating race, gender, and sexuality and in doing so, spark a sense of solidarity without compromising power in the LGBT movement.

Works Cited

Chambers, C. S. , 2006-08-10 "Collective Identity and Race: A Preliminary Look at Whiteness in the U.S. Gay and Lesbian Movement" Paper presented at the annual meeting of the American Sociological Association, Montreal Convention Center, Montreal, Quebec, Canada Online <PDF>. 2009-05-25 from http://www.allacademic.com/meta/p105020_index.html

Han, C., Proctor, K. R. and Choi, K., 2007-08-11 "Margins Upon Margins: Managing the Stigma of Race and Sexuality" Paper presented at the annual meeting of the American Sociological Association, TBA, New York, New York City Online <PDF>. 2010-10-24 from http://www.allacademic.com/meta/p184415_index.html

Good-Williams, Robert. Reading Rodney King: Reading Urban Uprising.

Hunt, Scott A. and Robert D. Benford. 2004. “Collective Identity, Solidarity, and Commitment.”

Pp. 433-457 in D. Snow, S. Soule and H. Kriesi (eds.) The Blackwell Companion to Social Movements. Oxford: Blackwell.

Kendall, CK, & Martino, WM. (Ed.). (2006). Gendered outcasts and sexual outlaws. New York: Harrington Park Press.

Ko, Claudine. (1999) My search for Brandon Lee. Giant Robot 14.

http://www.giantrobot.com/issues/issue14/brandon/index.html

Kobena Mercer and Isaac Julien, “Race, Sexual Politics, and Black Masculinity: A Dossier,” in Male Order: Unwrapping Masculinity, ed. Rowena Chapman and Jonathan Rutherford (London: Lawrence and Wishart, 1988), 106.

Lewis, Andrea and Robin Stevens. 1996. At the Crossroads: Gender and the Gay Rights

Movement. Third Force 4: 22-26

Rose, Tricia. Black Noise: Rap Music and Black Culture in Contemporary America. Pp. 168-181

Said, Edward W. (1979) Orientalism. New York: Vintage Books. 207.

Somerville, SS. (2000). Queering the color line. London, UK: Duke University Press.

Lost in Translation

2010-11-07T18:00:00.000-08:00

Happy one year of absence!

Ruby Ibarra - Lost in Translation

A poem on being Asian-American and bilingual.

[listen to audio on YouTube]

I grew up like any other Filipino American.

Immersed in frequent family gatherings with karaoke and enormous banquet of food,

With Titas and Aunties that cover with kisses and the prize winning question of,

“Do you know how to speak Tagalog?”

In which I reply with the phrase that has essentially become verbal reflex of

“I can understand but I can’t speak it.

I can understand, but I can’t speak it.”

A sentence that I have long to transform into a question to my mother,

Of why I was never taught my country’s native tongue.

So when I try to find the words to say I am forced to bite my tongue.

Not feeling Filipino enough because

I know I cannot communicate a language to translate over a thousand years of history.

A language whose words have escaped the lips of battle cry revolutions and propaganda movements.

A language’s breadth from colonizations and screams of independence and political reform.

And though my mouth can’t say it,

My mouth can taste every flavor of the

Lumpia, Lechon, and Sinigang.

But the after tasting’s bittersweet as I’m left lost in translation.

But I can’t blame my mother

Because I’ve seen her gentle face overshadowed by a crimson shade of red masked in humiliation,

“ONLY SPEAK ENGLISH. YOU’RE AN AMERICAN NOW” she was told.

If that person only knew the English translation of her words was,

“I’m glad that we’re here”

And after that she didn’t have to speak a word

Because right then I couldn’t understand,

In this country citizenship is obtained through assimilation.

Acceptance is the American dream and being foreign is illegal, dangerous, or inferior.

So I was taught to master English like it was a skill for survival.

And so I spoke, but I couldn’t understand why.

Why I could speak it, yet my teacher spoke to me so slowly like I couldn’t understand.

Why every word that escaped my lips has to be carefully pronounced so as to mask any ethnic identity. Why playground children followed me mocking,

“Ching Chong, Ching Chong” while their parents stood at a distance with approval.

Yet it was these same parents that tried to stop me from speaking a language

Just because they thought

I was secretly mocking them.

And as I grew older, language became the barrier between me and these two cultures.

Separated by a wall of enunciations, grammatical rules, and accents

Or a wall built by past ancestors with hands drenched in brick layers of acculturation.

My mouth had become far too American to grasp the Tagalog words correctly.

So Aunties, now honestly, I can’t speak it, maybe you will understand.

But I’m not ashamed that I can understand, but i can’t speak it.

Because even the most powerful emotions and thoughts cannot be expressed

Within the confines of frequencies and letters

Because after all, understanding is the essence of communication.

So though I’ve never learned to speak it, I’ve always understood why.

The Consolations of Philosophy

2009-11-10T00:52:00.000-08:00

I've been having a challenging, yet rewarding semester so far in my philosophy class. Much credit to Dr. Yang who has the ability to relate even the most ancient philosophy to pop culture. But I think just as much credit goes to the author Alain de Botton of The Consolations of Philosophy, since she refers to it all the time. It's funny how powerful the word philosophy even is. Just to hear it can make someone feel so unintelligent. But you cannot conquer what you do not know and that's exactly what de Botton accomplishes. So don't be fearful of analyzing the exact words of Socrates, Augustine, or Descartes because the author uses simple examples of ordinary life to apply such philosophy. Hopefully I can do a justified review of the book which covers troubling areas like unpopularity, lack of wealth, or broken hearts. It may take an intro to philosophy class to grasp it's full potential, nonetheless, my professor said she's read it a dozen times and can still get life lessons from it. Here's the back cover teaser:

"From the frustration of misplacing your keys to the sadness of losing a loved one, the writing of Seneca can offer consolation. For the particular agony of not having enough money, Epicurus has a solution, and it's one that everyone can afford. Solace for a broken heart can be found in the works of Schopenhauer, even thou his most lasting and significant relationships tended to be with poodles. And if your life is best by difficulty after difficulty, wise advice may be found in the words of Nietzsche, the brilliant philosopher whose own life was riddle with poverty, bad health, and excruciating loneliness."

Was, Am, Will

2009-10-21T15:31:00.001-07:00

So the last time I've written in this was last semster, right around the last big show with Culture Shock. I guess I haven't had much motivation or reason to write in here because I took a Media Studies class in spring. Much of what I learned was how media, especially convergent media (those of which implement and utilize multiple channels of communication), like the Internet, have convinced me to keep my life a bit more private and personal.

Another reason is that media gives us a false sense of 'connection'. In other words, there isn't a personal connection where real-time and real-world feedback is possible. From what I've learned and experienced myself is that people feel the need to be so connected to this virtual world that when it comes to being a 'primitive' human being, the greatest sensations of lonliness can occur... "I feel naked without my phone".

The problem that I see is this virtual interconnective dependence, in fact, segregates people. It's come to the point of not "who I keep In touch with", but rather, "who keeps in touch with me?", "who leaves me comments and follows my updates & tweets?". The reason why anyone posts something online is for attention, straight up. And I understand that it's completely natural to seek attention because no one desires to be lonely. But with mass media, channels in which your audience is many and perhaps unknown, with feedback being minimal to nothing and impersonal, you fail to gain the same attention of a personal conversation versus online, even if one were to have 1,000 followers on Twitter.

This leads me to my next point: minimalist style conversations. Because we are adapting to 'real-time', 'up-to-the-second' updates, we're too busy focusing on "What's happening NOW?". The problem with this is that we are directly influenced to live and have a present-time mentality. Unlike animals who only live in the present tense, humans have notions of past and future as well. But we aren't animals and are clearly capable of higher thinking. So to live in a more reasonable way, I’m not saying to abandon the resources we have, but use them more efficiently and consciously, especially of the consequences they carry, visible or not. We have to equally distribute our lifestyle in all three categories. Examine the past before you fall into it's footsteps, enjoy the present to later recall on it, and prepare for the future to see the pathway you set for yourself or others to follow.

I wish I had more backing to my statements, but ironically I'm writing this in class and I don't have any resources or time to do so. Perhaps I'll create a series of my media-consumer rebellionto further elaborate my ideas. Thanks for reading anyways.

Graffiti Life (and death)

2009-05-15T14:44:00.000-07:00

FMsocialL.

Here's my 2-2 list
-Study for finals

Astronomy
Public Speaking
Media Communications
Statistics

-Make-up speeches
-Learn around twenty 8-counts
-Choreo two 8-counts & transitions, then block 3 pieces

All while maintaining a Sunday-Wed 8-1 rehearsal schedule this week and a Mon-Thurs 11-4/5 school schedule and a Sun-Sun 12pm-collapse for the next two weeks.

"The Bible Was Written in Past Tense"

2009-05-05T12:58:00.001-07:00

Currently watching a single-person protest from an angry christian at Grossmont.

After minutes of scolding from the students, the man challenged,

"I will give you five minutesto come up with a good question or comment".

They responded,

"HATER GO HOME! HATER GO HOME! HATER GO HOME!"

While I was rooting for Grossmont, the students did have some fallacies...

"The Bible was written in past tense, this is now." [Really? I read Revelations and was thinking the future]

"My name is Jacob, that's from the Bible." [Really, are your parents named Isaac and Rebecca?]

Impromptu

2009-05-03T17:42:00.000-07:00

I challenged myself to write something at the top of the head at this moment. Whether this will be published later, I will have to decide that when I run out of words.

School is almost over. Hopefully I can get a 3.5 this semester to help with financial aid in the fall and maybe join Phi Betta Kappa. While school is a drag, it is still nice to learn. Perhaps not the homework and exams,but I have been enjoying myself. I would have to say that studying culture and mass media alone have tripped me out the most, applying it to life of course.

Finally taking notice of how much media affects our lives is actually kind of scary. Whether it was finally realizing that Obama won out of media sensation, or how today's news is merely infotainment, or how Twitter is a sad exhibit of our busy lives.

Have I talked about culture yet? In my past blogs? Ok. Whatevs.

I ran out of words.

Fin.

Oia?!

2009-04-27T16:41:00.000-07:00

Despite discovering that I can blog via SMS text, I came to find out that extra long blogs, meaning extra long texts equal separate blogs. Just when I thought this was so convenient. Now I'm just gonna read and type what I texted...

As of last Monday, I have added another night of rehearsal, meaning dance days are now Sunday-Thursday. In all the time I've spent in the studio, I've realized that it took the sacrifice of bonding with friends, sometimes school, to achieve a goal I was far from grasping. So I didn't make the Seaworld cast for this summer, explaining the additional 4-5 classes a week I put myself through. Yeah, I'm pretty bummed, but I really had my hopes quite high.

But then again, I have been brought back to humility, realizing that dance is not an overnight craft, realizing that growing is constant. Nonetheless, I have enjoyed taking jazz, house, and even some "simple" cardio hip-hop; pirouettes, jacks, and box steps alike. I want to challenge and inspire myself further (not so much the 77 day separation from Maria).
Aside from dance, I want to take a bigger effort to maintain relationships, as I consider those the fuel in my life. Considering Aura's words, "Gotta love to be loved." These short, yet simple words will explain a lot of my values.

In other news, I'm in no rush to transfer and graduate. Doing well in school and maintaining good grades are still priorities. But I don't like the idea of settling down by my mid 20's. I'm living 'in the moment' at the moment and that means exploring deeper in studies that may have some relationship as to what I will be doing in my life. For one, I'm probably going to switch around jobs and a foundation on a single subject will do me no good. Secondly, I enjoy a liberal arts education. Third, I really am not satisfied with my career test's suggestion of a communications major. I want to take some drawing, painting, photography, art history, web design, etc. I just want to see what's out there. And lastly, my body may not be dancing when I'm 50, so I'm going to use this physical peak and keep it there for as long possible.

Five more weeks until school is over!

Supdate

2009-02-12T18:29:00.000-08:00

Kinda overdue, but I really don't put time frames or deadlines to my posts.

After a grand birthday celebration week in January, great start to spring semester, and upgrading to Culture Shock, I think it's safe to say I've been having a good 2009 so far.

Things to be thankful for in no particular order:
1) Grossmont Financial Aid: With my tuition waived and textbook scholarship package, my parents now have other places to invest their money.
2) Zune: Oh well, so I didn't get an iPod. Even though I don't have the convenience of easily scrolling through artists/songs, I have to admit that music has now taken a larger portion of my life. I'm also accepting that I've been late on certain artists.
3) CSSD: To go along with music is dancing. Being on this team makes me feel somewhat spoiled: complimentary water bottles for rehearsal, unlimited classes, and potential paid shows. However, the commitment needed pretty much balances everything out. I now spend around 17+ hours a week dancing, 15 of those spent at Culture Shock. Let's face it, I've been reintroduced to the meaning of hardwork!
4) Mature folks: To those who are growing with me and accepting responsibility. I'm glad that you're not letting the past define who we are now and who we will be.
5) Friends: To those who keep up with me and accept who I am, whether or not we see each other on the daily. Especially those who always give me rides. I'm really grateful. Honestly!

O Hai, it's '09

2009-01-04T23:16:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year! It's 2009!
Ok, I will admit, 2008 was so unexpected. With so many ups and downs, I can't say it was good or bad. Nonetheless, everyday is a learning experience so I can only make the best of what I'm given.

Tomorrow I will be taking down the Christmas decorations all around the house. My mom does a crazy job decorating the tree and fireplace and it's going back in the boxes. Sadness.

My birthday is this Friday, January 9th and I'm turning 19. Wow, my last year as a teenager. Sounds old, yet still quite young. I still don't know what I'm doing, partially because I never have planned my birthday. I usually just get excited and let the day pass, really mediocre, I know. I really need to do something for a change. Disneyland for free? Spontaneous trip out of SD? Dinner with the friends?

I know I'm not much of a gift giver myself, but for those who insist, here is a list of what I'd really appreciate, nothing too lavish. I don't have any expectations, so a creative birthday wish will do.

Transparent Dividers; Anywhere; $5
Good Quality 3 Subject Notebook, College Ruled w/ 150+ pgs; Anywhere; $4

Hanes V-Neck or Tank Tops; Anywhere; $6
Thermal Top/Pants; Anywhere; $6

Nike Performance Socks; Black ankle or high, not mid-ankle; Exchange, Target; $10

Nivea For Men/Every Man Shave & Moisturizer Skin Care; Exchange, Target; $5 a bottle

Earphones; Target; $13
Laptop Security Device; Exchange, Target; $25
Or Gift Certificates from Target, Westfield, H&M, or anything you can surprise me with!

Last Entry for the '08

2008-12-31T23:59:00.000-08:00

Hi.

San Diego Gay Rights Rally

2008-12-05T12:39:00.000-08:00

It has been a month since Barack Obama has gone from Senator to President-Elect. A little less than two weeks after, Gay rights activists organized a nation-wide rally on November 15 in response to the passing of Arizona's Prop 102 and Florida's Prop 2 gay marriage bans and Arkansas's Prop 1 gay adoption ban. However, the center of the whole rally was based on California's Prop 8 succession of defining marriage between a man and a woman, bringing in an estimated 20,000 activists, the largest of all the rallies held that day.

With the idea, "If you stand for nothing, you'll fall for everything" lingering in my mind, I decided to attend the rally. Though I did not begin the protest at Hillcrest, I was still able to enter three-quarters into the march when it reached Broadway. On the way there, a woman in a car next to us panicked in disgust saying, "Oh my god. My children are going to see this!" Well woman, I do not understand why you are trying to censor your kids of something that is happening in front of their naked eyes. Let us be. This is what you call a democracy.

I was too busy enjoying the adrenaline of the support we were getting from all the passing cars honking. I wasn't even chanting along because I was trying to capture it all on my camera.

Some of the highlights include a young girl leading the chant,

"WHAT DO WANT?"
"EQUAL RIGHTS!"
"WHEN DO WE WANT IT?"
"NOW!"

Another, a young boy holding the sign, "Don't discriminate against my dads." Yet another young girl was marching next to me. Her two mothers asked, "Are you sure you aren't tired? Do you want to stop? Just tell us when you want to quit." She replied, "I don't want to quit Mom. I'm going to march until the end."

One of the striking statements was from a woman clothed only in her undergarments with "STRIPPED OF HUMAN RIGHTS" across her chest. Lastly, a human rainbow made of thousands of colored paper held by protesters in front of the County Administration Building.

For the first time in my life I was beginning to learn and accept who I was, am and will be. I was going to defy any opposition that deprived me of my rights and my identity. I wish not to hide any longer. This is not politics, it is Human Rights. Speak out and you will be heard.

Anyway, here are some shots from my crappy digicam. Credits to wparson's flickr for the really nice looking shots. Hahah.

Happy 19th Birthday Nicole Estanol.

The New Hope

2008-11-05T22:38:00.000-08:00

Election Day 2008

2008-11-04T00:00:00.000-08:00

Today
is the Big Day

Eight

2008-10-28T22:36:00.000-07:00

At this moment in time,
I have decided that Obama
is less important than Proposition 8.

Since when did we start voting
on who should have civil rights?

Proposals

2008-10-14T13:05:00.000-07:00

Who is willing to admit that they have no confidence in the government right now? I am sure we can all agree. If there was one thing I learned in Professor Field's Political Science class, it was that we are in a structure of government of the people, by the people, and for the people.

I have heard some say that they are not voting because they do not have time. It has been my opinion then that if you do not have time for your country, then you really have been wasting your time all along. Another reason is that they do not feel adequate enough to strike a personal decision on behalf of the millions of Americans. That is not to say that you must be an expert on what is going on, however, one should at least fulfill the duty of maintaining the definition of a citizen.

Take a relationship for hypothetical purposes. You must take in opinions, examples, and risks to finally reach a decision; decisions that happen more often on a daily basis. Would you avoid confronting the problem or fail in providing a solution and expect to stabilize that satisfaction? You eventually would lose trust in that person. The feeling is even worse when you are in the shoes of the other person.

I, too, once thought about the negligence of my vote in the election. The Electoral College seemed like a really complicated system. Candidates are only campaigning in swing states because of other decided states like, California, which is already full of liberals. It is like the swing states are paying for the meal, while CA covers the tip. There is one important thing about every general election...

When it comes to State Propositions, the popular vote wins. A unique thing about CA is that we have a direct democracy as well as an indirect one. Anyone can bring up new legislation in the state without having to be a politician. The only con about this is that there has to be a black and white decision about it. It does not go through Senate and House committees to be refined.

I initially decided to write a reason for each proposition I was voting for, but I realized that is a lot of work and by now everyone has pretty much decided on their issues. An explanation of why I am voting for Obama would strike a controversy online. I have seen the pros and cons of both candidates and I can say I am very confident in my final decision and that is what matters.

There is much motivation to oppose Prop 8 however. There are different grounds for values and the whole initiative is based off religious morals versus civil rights. As for me, I am tied between the two. While I still respect others' belief, the proposition does not make logical sense to me. There should be a separation of church and state and this proposed amendment would contradict that. If passed, proponents announced that it would not change or remove any rights that homosexuals already have. Partners can still be happily together through domestic partnerships or civil unions and live their lives the same way. In fact, it would do nothing more than just constitute a marriage between a man and a woman. BUT, that is the whole point of marriage. To some, a title can be just a title and mean nothing more than what it states, but to be in a lifelong relationship labeled as a civil union is levels below the feeling of being legally bound in the contract of marriage. The institution of marriage is about emotional, physical, mental, and financial stability, something a domestic partnership cannot equally fulfill. It's about being recognized. Aside from the insurance claim argument that gays should just fight for insurance policy rights than marriage rights and just upgrade the benefits of civil unions, it is still inferior not to be recognized equally. There is no justice in separate, but equal, yet it seemed like the Civil Rights Movement had no point in our history.

If it does not pass, I believe it will be better for families. As I learned in class, traditional marriage has no real history. If you want to talk traditional, then let's arrange a marriage between you and your brother or sister. Denying this right will only create more factions and a growing ignorance of others. By supporting same-sex marriages, we are on the way for tolerating one's lifestyle. Families will eventually tolerate the fact that homosexuality has existed and will always exist. No longer will there be divisions between parents and children, but peace and understanding and love. I cannot comprehend a parent telling his or her child that he or she cannot marry, yet still love, understand, and expect the best for that child. That would be oppression. Families were made to raise children and while it isn't physically possible to procreate with same-sex couples, who is to judge that a homosexual cannot be a great parent? Why should another couple's marriage affect yours? There are far more flaws in relationships that occur on a daily basis that would make any other marriage inferior.

The foundation of this country is based on the Constitution, the legal document guaranteeing a citizen of his or her rights, whether or not he or she is from the majority or minority. Alexander Hamilton stated this necessity for such a document was for the better good of any democracy so that despite a majority rule, minorities would not be left out.

Kathryn Lybarger of The SocialistWorker.org stated,

"Yes on 8 forces are playing on homophobic ideas that still hold some sway for some people--that learning in school that gay relationships are valid will make their kids gay; that if gays can get married, anything goes, and you'll soon be able to marry your cat; that legislating gay rights will deny the right to hold homophobic beliefs; that allowing gays to get married will further erode the American family.

In reality, of course, the biggest threat to the American family is the global economic meltdown, not gay marriage. Working families have been suffering the stress of lower wages and longer work hours for years. Worsening unemployment, higher gas and food prices, and the epidemic of home foreclosures have drastically worsened these problems."

I am sorry, but just like any other homosexual, you would have to be in my shoes to understand.

2008-10-10T14:42:00.001-07:00

Knotts!
	• Exit Magnolia Ave. Left • Right on Crescent Ave. • Continue to Haunt parking
	91 Freeway East Bound
	• Exit Valley View St./Orangethorpe Ave. • Left on Orangethorpe Ave. • Right on Valley View St. • Left on Crescent Ave. • Continue to Haunt parking or • Exit Knott Ave. Right • Left on Crescent Ave. • Continue to Haunt parking
	5 Freeway South Bound
	• Exit Valley View St. continue Right • Left on Valley View St. • Left on Orangethorpe Ave. • Right on Western Ave. • Continue to Haunt parking or • Exit Knott Ave. continue Straight • Left on Orangethorpe Ave. • Right on Western Ave. • Continue to Haunt parking
	5 Freeway North Bound
	• Exit Magnolia Ave. Right • Right on Crescent Ave. • Continue to Haunt parking

Better in Time Pt. II

2008-09-10T19:53:00.000-07:00

"The unexamined life is not worth living."
-Socrates c. 400 BC

As I was cleaning my room, I came across my old history work and found an assignment example on the analysis of Socrates' quote. The following is from my hero, Ellen Bergan, once again.

"For Socrates, to question means to use your ability to think rationally about a topic and arrive at thoughtful conclusion. According to Socrates, if you are NOT doing this thinking and questioning, your life has no value: you might as well be dead. For it is only through contemplation that we have a life that has purpose, that has meaning, and is worth living."

I'm glad to have found this, more so, glad to have kept it at all. Even prior to finding this, I was analyzing my experiences through this very journal. Whether the mood was bitter or sweet, I have been struck to learn that these analyses bring satisfaction and light in every situation.

In my argument class, Dr. Sako told us that the study of argument is not to learn to distinctly agree or disagree with claims, rather engage in it to find common ground. In other words, forcing opinions through one's tunnel vision or disagreeing about the slightest opposition implies of an outdated and weak argument. In contrast, a modern and strong argument is constituted by logic, integrity, and courage to change.

Leaving high school opened my eyes to a new concept: saying goodbye. It was only a short while ago when you thought everything you were a part of, including friendships, were as clear as glass. Whether it was externally that everyone knew your business or internally when you could place trust in the intentions of another, by the time it shattered, saying sorry would not bring those pieces back together. Instead the attempt to reconstruct the glass left cuts due to a shrouded understanding. In the end, your maturity delegated your interpretation of the situation's entire meaning or in another sense, whether the scars would heal.

It would be ironic, for both you and I, to be angry at this situation, since I have also agreed that anger is a letter short of danger and in simply a short step of the wrong direction, the rotations of the clock's hands would redeem itself meaningless. One mindset has convinced me that, despite my perceived maturity, I was not flawless. The outcome of the other holds that my naiveté, which I could not control, was to learn from those mistakes. I have come to question the whether my mistakes were the result of your insecurities, those of which I initially insisted on not violating. Of course, I had no rule in what made you insecure, but I have been wondering why you persisted in convincing me to do so.

To validate the theme of this entry, I am solely trying to point out the rather lukewarm waters I intend for both of us to reach. There's no room in my system for bitterness or pain or, as I have told you in the climax of my hardest situations, hate.

Thank you. Thank you nurturing my growth as an adult and opening the doors to an adventurous life that I have always overlooked. I am truly grateful for everything, honestly. Not for a second should you think your influence has been dismissed out of my life as I have learned so much in so little time. My intentions were always positive and my commitment well-paralleled that. There is a considerable amount of hope that whatever field we may be on now will be fruitful. And though it was unofficial, please understand the commitment I bore. I pray that you will be able to face the same cracks in the mirror you once held in front of me. Only then would I consider that we did not spoil the seeds of a lasting friendship. Until you are ready to confront this situation and present a different plate to the table, I will be doing my best to move on.

In My Sincerest Form,
Andrew Doolittle

I am sorry to have posted this here, but in consideration of the lack of communication, I figured a post here would not go unnoticed. If my point was not apparent or if I may have misunderstood you, I hope you will find a way to get the answer in the right path.

Have an audition in the morning and need 20 lbs to lose? With these new...

2008-09-06T15:14:00.000-07:00

The past weeks have consisted of 15 hours of rehearsals, school, and a fading tolerance for waiting. Repeat 2.5 times, and you have been updated since my last post.

Better In Time

2008-08-21T04:18:00.000-07:00

My life seems to follow the words of great men and women. Since 2005, the theory of whether time is relative or absolute, introduced to me by my World History teacher, Ellen Bergan, has been stuck in my mind. To relate it in my own life comes an argument for both.

With my summer vacation coming to a close, I can say that I have gone big. So I didn't go to Europe, Philippines, or anywhere out of CA, except Texas. I didn't go to Six Flags, Soak City, and anywhere else with an admission fare. I didn't really hang out with friends from high school nor did I accomplish the goal of hanging out with my mom.

Oh well, life's tough. Life's not a marathon, but a series of short races. You just gotta pull yourself up and make it through the day. Everyone has their own struggles and clock will not stop; time is absolute.

But I did travel frustrating miles to La Mesa, Encinitas, and Temecula just to dance. I did go to Sea World for free, Disneyland just for the fireworks, and the Del Mar Fair to pick up a third place trophy. I strengthened the bond between my best friends from sunset to sunrise. And July was full of surprises.

So I didn't go overboard into the hype of fulfilling a summer, but rather went with the flow. No real need for planning, just allowing it all to soak in. Learning to be grateful for what you are given and making the best of it is basically the message. At this point, the clock was ticking to my own tempo; time was relative.

Despite believing that life isn't a marathon, I don't believe it's a series of short races either. Like I said before, Life isn't for enduring or suffering, it's for living. It's like a garden where each stage brings growth to a blooming flower. Never does an experience revert the growth of the flower, instead it blooms the flower until the experience is overcome, only to leave twice as many seeds before its time is up.

From the words of Tenchi, "People are always looking for better, yet it does not exist; there is only different. Once one can understand different, then he or she can be truly content."

It may be late to redeem my New Year's Resolution, but I still have had good intentions and no regrets. I'm not rich or famous or have the best of everything, I just make the best of everything. I may not be able to give you what you want, but sit back and see that I have a lot to offer. I'm working around my own clock. Consider this a head start on 2009.

In a similar quote, I'll conclude my overwhelming metaphoric thoughts with this from NIKKI!

“The real voyage of discovery consists
not in seeking new landscapes
but in having new eyes.”

Sixty Miles & US Customs & Border Patrol

2008-08-12T14:00:00.000-07:00

Perseids from Anza Borrego: Night lapse .

I had the experience of watching the shower last August after hearing about it on CNN. With Steux and Ernest simultaneously watching from their own roofs, I climbed the ladder to my own and gazed into the sky. Hyped by testimonies of fervent stargazers, I was meddled by the light pollution of living in the city. The wait for the first meteor seemed like forever. Still, I got to enjoy seeing my first of nearly 20 shooting stars. I will admit, out of the biggest curiosity, I made a wish or two.

I was determined to catch the shower again this year. I was sure that it was around August 20 something and had kept my mind on that. It wasn't until a bulletin notice that I was informed the shower was, in fact, this morning. Yesterday, Jennika and I began to plan the night/morning for, what was to become, an enjoyable summer night.

We knew we needed to catch it somewhere dark. North and West would only lead us further into the city. South was obviously Mexico, so we were left with East county. Barona, Viejas, or Jamul? Barona was the first choice just so we could go to the casino, pero Jennika is still a minor. So then Viejas?

I headed to Emphasis around 6:30 to chill and later take Dea's 7:30 class. After class, we watched Mean Girls and Eurotrip until we were to head out to the destination.

Hispanic wheelchair girl: "I don't hate you cuz you're fat, you're fat cuz I hate you!"

We finally decided on Jamul since we knew the area and it was closer. Nearly five cars packed of twenty-something of us left for Jamul around 1:45. Reminiscence of horror flicks like Jeepers Creepers and Texas Chain Saw Massacre were mocked by the other cars; swerving, high beaming, and pitch black driving.

After nearly being cannibalized by a senior citizen at the Jamul campgrounds, we left further into Campo. We then realized the sky would not get any better (helped by Jennika's iPhone Weather Forecast), so we fled back to the 7-11 for refuge. On the way back, we were stopped at a US Customs & Border Patrol check point to check if we were smuggling immigrants. As much as we wanted to laugh, we knew it was serious business. The authorities let us pass by rather quickly and we arrived at 7-11 to talk about the déjà vu. In our strength in numbers attempt to watch the annual Perseid's Meteor Shower, we fell short of the many expectations by Mother Nature's damn clouds.

The morning continued with the random photo shoot that spontaneously happens where you're at Emphasis. Group pictures, solos, and candids were flashed all until 4:00. After a series of caterpillar racing, superstitious lifting, and flexibility contests, the morning was concluded with Maryann suggesting,

"We should watch the sunrise at Sunset Cliffs."
"That's impossible. But I'm sure they have a place called Sunrise Cliffs on the east coast..."

The Summer Games of the XXIX Olympiad: Beijing 2008

2008-08-09T13:02:00.000-07:00

The Olympics. My oh my. You do not even have to know me too well to know that I am a huge fanatic. Just hearing NBC play the theme music gives me the chills.

Last night, or more so yesterday morning, was the opening ceremony. I attempted to watch it live at 5:08am (Beijing is 13 hours ahead) to learn that the day's forecast was 80 degrees and there was a prostitution sting in Escondido; I was watching the local news.

Later at 7:30pm, a broadcast of the preparations for the Olympics played. Under the narration of Morgan Freeman, who is currently hospitalized for several bone fractures due to a recent accident, the history of the Olympics itself, USA's journey and most importantly, China's journey, drew suspense. Finally, the long anticipated opening ceremony began at 8:08.

Without going into complete detail of every performance, the ceremony began with 2,008 Chinese men illuminating the Bird's Nest Stadium at the sound of 2,000 year old drums.

There were more than a handful of symbolic performances to recognize China's culture, the Olympic history, and the harmony of the world uniting.

On the history of the Olympics, it began over 2,000 years ago when the city-states of Greece competed for the supremacy of athleticism. The origin of the field events like javelin, discus, and shot put were designed to increase the effectiveness of soldiers during war. Wrestling and track proved each city-state who had the most enduring and fastest warriors. Makes sense now right?

I also learned that pigeon shooting and Indian Club Swinging (pictured right) were once sports. The extended list of odder events include Solo Synchronized Swimming, Long Jump for Horses, Pistol Dueling, and Rope Climb.

Table-Tennis, Trampoline, and Synchronized Swimming (Solo or Team-based) are for my personal entertainment. However, my personal favorites of the modern Olympics are:

Swimming/Diving

Track & Field

Gymnastics

I'll probably be talking about the Olympics and soak in the spirit through my TV until they end.
I could care less about the innovations and top notch welfare we, as Americans, have achieved for our country. I get a greatest sense of patriotism just watching the games.

It doesn't matter about how many gold medals a certain country wins and how much press they get. Eighty-four of the countries have never even had the honor of their national anthem play at a single medal ceremony. Others know that the few athletes they send won't even have a chance. Still, it is the highest definition of character for one to train, perform, and earn the best for, both, themselves and their country.

Politics are put aside as China sits across Taiwan and Japan, Russia adjacent to Georgia, Israel next to Palestine, and USA settled near Iraq. Every country, all 204 of them, unite in honor, glory, and in character. World peace for the next three weeks!

Ich bin ein Schüler an Grossmont Hochschule

2008-08-08T17:06:00.000-07:00

I've been learning German through Rosetta Stone the past week. I have to admit that it actually works! I remember thinking,
"Spanish? Over it after three years. French? Italian? Too cliche. German? Hagen Dasz and Weinerschnitzel? Hell yeah!"
It sounds a lot like English and it just makes me laugh at the similarities and unattractive accent.

Was ist das? Ist ein Apfel.
What is that? It is an apple.

It's definitely helped with the summer boredom and has been helping me get things off my mind.

One of the most humbling events has caught my mind and I'm not talking about the Olympics and the world uniting. I learned that my mom will be attending Grossmont with me this Fall. I'm proud that she isn't going back to the nearly sweatshop-style occupation she once worked for more than a decade. The government is paying her to go back to school and she's pursuing nursing, the job she had before the most recent. I really don't want to take this as a burden as I'm planning that these are going to be the best times of our lives. Who would've ever thought a mother and her son, now finally an adult, would ever go to school together? I think the experience will be beneficial as it'll allow us to learn more about ourselves and each other.

Perhaps you were waiting for me to write a lot more as I said I would in my previous entry. To tell you the truth, I'm still contemplating if I should publish the other post. It's not finished anyway and still trying to develop my thoughts on it.

I've meant every word I've said. I am both distressed and hopeful that you've felt the same. It's a struggle to fight my falling faith.

Did You Lose Weight?

2008-07-23T13:56:00.001-07:00

Yesterday was probably the first time I didn’t enjoy riding a plane. It wasn’t the fact that I dreaded going to Texas, per se, but it was the fact that I was riding with my mom. I hate to be a jerk about all of this, but I would really love for her to just grow and experience things.

First, she complains to me about the lack of sleep she got from packing the night before and the morning of. Well, maybe if shopping wasn’t done last minute and TFC wasn’t being tuned in at 3AM while packing those ridiculous Balikbayan boxes full of pan de sal, siopao, and fish, sleep deprivation wouldn’t be the issue.

Secondly, there were signs all over the airport (both in San Diego and Dallas), making it nearly impossible to get lost. Promptly after exiting the plane in Dallas, my mom needed to use the restroom. Again, there are signs everywhere. She constantly yelled across the halls asking me where I was going as I silently lead her to the restroom. Afterwards, I brought her to the baggage claim to find those damn boxes we smuggled.

Finally, the car ride from Dallas to Tyler was another two hours. I enjoy calling it a lonely cowboy town, despite the fact that there aren’t any farms or ranches. The first things that I noticed are the local shops and unique businesses that existed there. I passed by a Shell Station, which served premium for $4.16, a WhataBurger, a Wal-Mart Super Center, and a mysterious place called the Electric Cowboy (sounded like a gay club to me). I remember watching The High Cost of Low Price in Ms. Madden’s class and recalled the effects of the giant corporation’s existence in small towns.

Anyways, the car ride was just as nauseating due to my mom’s ego. It’s really embarrassing to hear my mom talk about how she wanted to fight her brother’s ex-girlfriend, her old boss, and random reckless drivers. I’m assuming she learned these manners from Maury or Jerry Springer, since that’s she’s been watching lately. Add the bad accent and poor English and it’ll probably be funny.

What’s most embarrassing is that she never has anything nice to say about me. Call me out right now by talking about my mom, but this is totally different.

“Wow! Your hair is so long. It looks nice,” says my aunt.

“Yeah, he goes to his friend’s house and gets it braided by some black girl. It’s like he’s black. He thinks he’s a gangster or something. Whatever…” asserts my mom.

Aside from that, my relatives were a bit excited to see me. They told me I got skinny and had a more defined face since the last time I saw them. From there, I knew the typical Filipino conversation initiated, which had something to do with appearance; complexion, skin tone, weight, etc. Please watch this HappySlip video for a complete example…

Because of the extreme boredom I will be experiencing here, please expect another entry soon.

TOUGH LOVE,

Gas Prices to Shoot $12-$15 by 2013

2008-07-16T22:37:00.000-07:00

...according to The Union Tribune.
So aside from the happy-go-lucky life I've been living, there are other things to worry about.

"I have a great belief that the fundamentals of the economy are very strong. Very Strong." - Senator John McCain. Supposedly said after McCain learned that his tax filings net worth rose by $18 million since 1999.

Quick Facts:
-Some police departments have enlisted officers on foot
-Churches report lower attendance and donations
-A personal observance concludes that cereal boxes are smaller

Two weeks from now, my mom will be unemployed for two months. Life has been different.
I remember coming home from school one day after prom. I was washing dishes and my mom comes home at 3:00, when she usually comes home at 11:00.

"Hi Mom, how was work, or, why are you home so early?"
"I got laid-off, Son," she said happily.
"Oh... WAIT, YOU GOT LAID-OFF?!"
"Yeah. Oh well, my boss was an ass anyways," roughly translated from Tagalog.

So, after 11 years at that company, she had no immunity or seniority to save her from this dying economy. The family has expressed their mixed views.

My brother Mark has taken a neutral stance. Of course, he's saddened by it, but continues to do his daily routine.
My brother James is one of the biggest insults of the family. Despite the fact that he only lives here on the weekends due to his Marine lifestyle, he doesn't contribute anything to the household. My mom still does his laundry, including his uniforms. He carelessly eats the food she cooks. He doesn't perform a single chore, so cleaning is out of the question. He can't even put his clothes in the laundry. And like I've said before, he continues to kick me out of my room to bring his girl(s) overnight. The climax of this all is that he doesn't pay a dime of rent. Mark pays for the entire family's cell phone bill and, James? Even after being acknowledged that my mom lost her job, he thinks that possibly paying for the water or energy bill is some joke, assured by his laughter.
Now my dad. You know my dad. So I'm leaving for Texas this Tuesday, July 22nd. When the question of, "Who's paying for the tickets?" came up, my dad kept his hands in his pockets. My parents began fighting about the necessity of going to my cousin Robert's wedding.

"Well, I guess Andrew's not going anymore," my dad asserted.

My dad's selfish attitude continues to flourish despite the circumstances. Since he doesn't have the same dentist and my mom lost her dental insurance from her job, he hasn't shown any interest in trying to help out when my mom and I needed a check up.

I can feel my family's stability depending on this economy. My mom constantly nags my dad about the payments she can't make and he tends to keep his stance about her lack of penny-pinching. I notice the internal fight that's going on between them and I commend them for staying strong. I'm praying that it'll stay this way, if not better.

It hurt to see my mom cry in front of me that day, begging for help. Because of that, it's been more of a priority to find her a job than to get one myself. I have helped her with her résumé and have set up job profiles for her on Monster.com and CalJobs.ca.gov. I have taught her how to turn on the computer, manipulate the keyboard/mouse, and print. So far, she had done a good job.

Fortunately, my mom filed for unemployment benefits and surprisingly, she's been getting paid more than she had been at her old job. The only useless thing about this is that she's going out several times a week and spending it. She has been somewhat useless around the house and I don't want to put her on blast since I haven't been doing much either.

In the meantime, I want to utilize the time we have together and help her develop some lifestyle changes, like dieting, exercise, and computer literacy. While it makes me weak to talk about this, I've learned to be forever grateful for what I'm blessed with; materialistically, personally, and emotionally. It'll be a great summer for my mom and I.

With all that in mind, give yourself a laugh and watch this hilarious video by The Onion:

Bush Tours America To Survey Damage Caused By His Disastrous Presidency

Lost in Translation?

2008-07-09T01:03:00.000-07:00

I feel I'm at a lost for words, but I could go on...

I don't think I've ever felt so consistently happy like this throughout the entire year, let alone in a while. Prom, Grad Nite, Homecoming, money, gifts or anything materialistic of that matter hasn't had an impact as big as this. It has never felt so good to be myself. Aura is apparently shitting bricks out of her happiness. I on the other hand must be displacing concrete cylinders out of this ecstasy. Am I rolling or something?
Through a combination of several friends, old and new alike, I'm learning about myself more than I am about them. Is it bad that I'm not gaining any insight about them? Not in this case, since learning about yourself is just as important.
I've been talking, I've been reading, but most of all, I've been listening. With the variety of lifestyles and changes that happen on a daily basis, the greatest satisfaction is just for someone to be understood. Now that I've taken this in, it isn't as hard to believe why I can do this for others, vice versa. I'm ready for acceptance just as much you are. Just allow me to bridge the trust in between. Like James said, the feeling of a lonely struggle is all a lie. It takes a great listener to understand others and yourself.

I'd like to take advantage of this happiness, euphoria, heart-stopping, speechlessness right now and express how much IDGAF about how things have been challenging. I'm glad things have happened the way they did. The dreads of waking up from dreams or facing consequences for things not yet understood; it's the only way to grow. Life is for living and suffering is optional. I need to embrace change because before I know it, it's a checkmate into reality.

Since my only sense of communication lies within a pen and paper, keyboard in this case, I have meant to write more, but the week has gone in an instant. I don't feel like posting everyday because I want my writing to be developed in context from both myself and my readers.
On another note, I found my physical journal dated August 2005 - August 2007 (2008 perhaps?). Le Carte Blanche is what I named it. In French, it literally means, "blank card or check". Historically, it has been used to as a military term to announce unconditional surrender. The loser held up a blank card or flag to symbolize the victor's rights to do whatever he wished, as seen to the right.
For my journal, it was the sense of giving up all of my pride, insecurities, and deepest thoughts for the satisfaction of my reader. I have somewhat kept that concept in this journal, but there are things that are too private to be posted publicly.

So am I really speechless? Not really, but I'm a hopeful believer now.
Viva La Vida - Coldplay

Freeze Tag!

2008-07-03T20:37:00.001-07:00

It’s nearly my third week into my summer vacation and I really haven’t done anything. I had a mild case of cleaning syndrome and it left my room just barely presentable. I had a sudden desire to clean my mom’s car and garden the yard for some reason.
My parents in fact, have spent their summer increasing their daily intake of TFC. So much that the HD LCD TV we just got a year ago already has the TFC logo burned into it. Considering the maintainence for my own laptop, I have spent the last two days trying to figure out how to get the Mac Flurry screen saver to actually work to save my screen from burning out as well. It has been so frustrating just to get a damn screen saver to play because it shows a faint glow of light and the beams develops really choppy and freezes at one frame a second. Some users on a forum said to simply change the file name from “.scr” to “.sCr” because Intel graphics hardware is dumb enough to believe that it’s a different type of file.

Someone has got to believe me on this one, it's one of the best screen savers I have ever seen. I don't know... making my HP look like a Mac is fascinating. BTW, if no one knew, screen savers are called screen savers because they save your screen. Amazing, I know. Having a screen saver can actually revitalize your screen. Think of it this way: turning it off is like dieting and having a screen saver that utilizes a variety of colors, tints, and shades is like exercise.

Onto other news, last Thursday Flipside placed third at the San Diego County Fair: Blazin’ 98.9 Hip Hop Competition. Breakthrough got second and Toy Story took first. The day started off with waking up at 9:00, something I haven’t done since school (even though class started at 8:25). James and I went to Plaza to get a red fitted and look for a Lebron James Cavaliers jersey. We left at 10:30, but we didn’t get into the actual fairgrounds until 11:45. Let’s just say that I’m still traumatized from my accident ‘cause James was hella tailgating the car in front of us to prevent anyone from cutting in the mile-long line to exit Via de la Valle. I’m serious; I get huge adrenaline rushes when I’m that close to a car. After a stretch, run-through, and quick prayer, we were rushing to the stage since we were first. I admit that it threw me off in the beginning, but the performance was great.

The rest of the day was chill. Rides were too expensive and it was too late to fulfill the value of the $30 wristband. I ended up eating a funnel cake and taking photo booth pictures with my black girls.

Saturday the 28th was EDC & EDB. I was fortunate enough to not spend any money. What I do remember was a row of cops in some sort of low-high level formation swirling their flashlights at us… “Don’t look at the lights. Look down, look down.”
Sunday, I was kidnapped by Denette and Alex. I’d prefer you ask them the story.
Yesterday, I spent the day taking class at Emphasis from 7:30-9:30. I took Cye’s and Kirk’s hip hop. As much as I hate taking class, I know it will only make me a better dancer. After the failure of trying to camp in the studio, I headed off to eStefannie Sicat’s house to chill with the homies.

It was nice catching up with my social life that I have been deprived of, but I am home once again. In my attempts to satisfy my boredom, I Google-Mapped my house and looks like I got my car back in perfect condition!

Only because Denette tagged me.

Directions: Once you've been tagged, you have to write a blog with 16 random things, facts, habits or goals about you. At the end choose 10 people to be tagged, listing their names and why you chose them. Don't forget to leave them a comment ("you're it") and to read your blog. You can't tag the person who tagged you. Since you can't tag me let me know when you've posted your blog, so I can see your weirdness.

1. I talk to myself: in the bathroom, shower, sleep, etc.

2. I'm really anal about grammar.

3. Both my care & carelessness rub off onto people

4. My mouth does not hesitate to express my opinions

5. I am extremely observant and reserved which explains my lack of casual conversation.

6. I haven’t been to the club despite my 18½ years of age.

7. Not in the mood for slutacious, ignorance, and most of all, BAN.

8. I really don’t want a white-collar job, but it only seems necessary to succeed

9. I am a secret nerd for politics; TheOnion.com

10. I highly value intimate relationships

11. My sometimes superficial confidence hides my biggest insecurities

12. I was drug-free my entire senior year of high school!

13. I can jump rope with my arms.

14. I have trouble confronting problems, but I’m easy to talk about them

15. Poor manners, game, and self-respect are huge turn-offs.

16. This is probably the only survey/tag game I will ever post.

people i'm tagging:

1. You

Copyright Infringement & Cookie Agitation

2008-06-09T22:03:00.000-07:00

Today's events included a trip to Kinko's to make copies of photos. We came to realize that instead of copies coming out, the copy machine read us our Miranda Rights and a set of handcuffs were placed on my hands (allusion). To calm ourselves down, we got the usual iced-coffee from McDonald's. We purposely spent about five minutes deciding on an Extra Value Meal #5, only to decide that we only wanted three cookies. Our total was $1.08. As we began to pay for our cookies, we asked if we could reorder the iced-coffee. I'm pretty sure Maritess-Joy was irritated of us. After getting our items, the lady assured that we had our share of sugar. What a great day.

Change

2008-05-30T16:30:00.000-07:00

The question of, "If you could change anything about anyone, who would it be and why?" came up in my mind and I decided to share it.

Initially I thought, well, I would change myself. If I could change myself, I could change anyone. The biggest hurdle, as been said, has always been yourself. Why would I change myself anyways? For one, I may not have the biggest issue with my sexuality itself, but it does affect my everyday thinking, planning, and actions. But it shouldn't. Today's world calls for the better welfare of my own individual and its progressive attitude has no opportunity to lapse.

Then I have to deal of my attitude about the world. In many ways, I am in denial of how pessimistic I am. I love believing that there have already been roads paved and seas split for either someone else's opportunities or my own. Conclusively, I shun the doors to optimism at inappropriate times.

I am also in a constant struggle to become a better character. I know that by admitting one's fault or problem, that person has a better chance at overcoming it. I have done this all too many times and I have just about convinced myself that I have attained some sort of mental disease. The ability to just shut myself up about people would be a tremendous goal. Or being useful and ambitious, rather not mediocre or inept, is a possible finish line. Then reality that sh** just happens comes into mind. I could go on about myself, but let's not do that.

My dad on the other hand is someone I would definitely change. While he holds the iron first in the house by managing the family, my belief holds that he takes it too far. Don't jump to conclusions, there is not a single dose of abuse in my household, but there are very opinionated family members. Before I get to my dad, I'll discuss everyone else.

My eldest brother, Mark, isn't much of a threat to the functions of the household as he has matured. His role as the eldest, I believe, as done a great role in shaping his character. My brother James stands as if he is for the contrary.

James is probably the most disrespectful brother or person you will ever meet. Now, that is a harsh statement and I hate to admit it, but it is all the truth you could ask for. His selfish attitude about everything bugs me in the least possible ways. He still doesn't do his laundry. He doesn't pay a dime of rent. And he brings girls over as if it’s some penthouse. His two years in the Marines hasn't changed him one bit, but his superficial tattoos have. Please stop. Please change.

My mom constantly rags about the selfishness of my dad, but at the same time she does her share of income-loss. She is a pristine shopaholic and fashionista who holds her image as high of a priority as she did in high school.

And now my dad. While I do credit his 23 long years of overseas duty, food preparation services, and clerical work in the Navy, his stance on the world has no place on my agenda. That may sound selfish and ignorant, but let me explain. Maybe those two decades have shaped a Republican engine on him, since it's the basis of nearly everything he holds up to. And even though he is technically a veteran, he's already acting like those grumpy senior vets who are completely curtained off from society. His business is his. His money is his. His life is his. No one has any authority to influence it. He is outspoken in the sense that he exercises his every right to speak. In the common place like a restaurant, I am worried when I am with him because of his relentless mouth complaining about a dirty spoon or unbeaten eggs and the possibility of someone else's saliva in my mouth.

He will argue his accuracy or change his stance to win. A month ago, he offered me the gift of a laptop for graduation. We went ahead to go shopping at the Navy Exchange and found this Toshiba. Because it wasn't to my liking, I told him not to buy it until I found a better deal. Today, I found that deal. It was a couple dollars more, but the upgrades, hardware, and overall product during the customization made every dollar worth thrice as much. Now his excuse was that I was being maarte. Being the straight-forward person I am, I disagreed and told him I was just being smart. His argument was that if I hadn't just gone with the plan and bought the Toshiba last week, this argument wouldn't have happened. He began to endorse the motto, "Seize the opportunity once you have it". Sure, this is a nice motto, but the fact that I found a "Better deal and saved money" supersedes this notion.

His intentions are positive, but his motives are for the worse of all things. He's one of those dads who's never lost an argument, or fails to admit fault, nevertheless. His hand is so far out of reach for even I. Perfection is what he aims for. Arrogance is what he achieves.

The pros of my father's attitude lays in Mark, but the cons have settled in James. I seem to be the middle child in this instance as I have a balance of both. I do admit that his attitude has made me stronger, but nonetheless, it has angered me for many years.

If my dad could settle for less — less expectation — life would be a lot easier.

Prom Week

2008-05-21T14:46:00.000-07:00

Morse High School Prom
"On Our Way"
May 24, 2008
Loew's Coronado Hotel & Resort

Prom is less than three days away. I'm thinking that this will be my first and only prom. I doubt that I will attend any other prom in the future just because I 'd rather not hang out with the younger classes.
I intended on going with Roxanne, but I had a feeling it wouldn't work out simply because it was her birthday. I made sure by calling Len, but she told me that she was having a family party already. Roxanne told me she was sad that since I never asked her personally, but she understood. I honestly would've gone with Roxanne since Prom is more of a romantic dance. My plans with Nikki got ruined, so now I'm going with Ann.
My dad made the biggest deal about renting a tux. I really wanted to get a white tux, but I had to downgrade to just a black one. Then, my dad really didn't want to pay for anything, so I ended up just renting a vest. How sad. I still have to get flowers and get my hair did too.
Now I'm just hoping that I have enough money for the rest of the things this weekend, let alone the rest of the month. As of this moment, I only have $60 in spending cash. I'm supposed to get paid $100 on Friday by my brother for writing a 1000-word essay on underage alcohol consumption.
After Prom, I'm still contemplating on going to Riverside to watch Mass Appeal & FORMALity at Ultimate Brawl, which would cost me around $25. Then I would have to go to Body Rock on the 31st, costing me another $25. I still need money for food, class, and misc. I'm BROKE!
I really need to study for Poli Sci. I have an 80% and I really can't let that drop to a C. I may even have a chance to get to an A. BAI!

Writer's Block

2008-05-16T18:44:00.000-07:00

Yeah, it's the exact same reason why I wrote some crap on my AP tests. Yeah, it's the exact same reason why I can't write anything here, although I wanted to.

Last Days as a Senior

2008-05-07T15:29:00.000-07:00

The last days of a senior are finally hitting. I'm not gonna lie, just writing about this makes it hit harder. Today was the welcome meeting for the new 08-09 All Male. While I was giving directions, procedures, expectations, etc, I realized I was still talking as if I were to be on next year's team. I may have not given All Male my greatest commitment these past two years as I had three years ago, but I'm trying to make it up in the last weeks of school and hopefully the months of summer that I may get to work with the new team.
Of nearly the entire year, I've had the attitude of wanting to finish high school, but I really don't after some contemplation. Like I said in a previous blog about relationships, when you give so much to something, it's hard to let go. I have a family of faculty members whom I have to leave behind, including my mentors of teachers and counselors. I have underclassmen with integrity and respect that I have to leave behind. I have teams and clubs full of potential that I have to leave behind. I will have games, events, and pep rallies to say goodbye to. I have a mother in ASB named Ms. Bengtson with brothers and sisters who I know will have the greatest successes in life, including a woman who will be leaving for school in July.
My contributions to any other community will never surpass my commitment to this school. Education will never be free and neither will lunch or anything else of that matter. I know that homework and studying are now optional, but essential to success.
I have best friends in something I still consider a family of Paradise Hills, despite our parted ways. In fact, I still value the relationship of every single person who I've come in contact with, whether or not we are still in touch. You all will have a place in my life.
I'll be trying to make the rest of the year the best I can. I'll be mending my relationships with everyone, becoming more open, and living the joy as a high school senior. I've never been so proud to have been a Morse Tiger in the run-down neighborhood that I wake up in everyday. With this said, I've done enough at this time to bring tears to my eyes and it's a bit early for that.
Twenty-seven more days of school, 27 more days to make my mark.

Morale

2008-05-06T20:15:00.000-07:00

I love going to school for the joy of my friends. At the same time, I hate it. I have the contradicting views of wanting to grow up, yet live with the responsibilities of a child. There are certain times throughout the day in where I have the lowest level of comfortability. It gets so low sometimes that I become a complete hermit, with no intent to break my silence or reservation.
It hurts.
My character feels broken and here I am with an identity crisis once again. I feel like I can't tell my friends my situation because I don't want them to hear my story. The feeling of emptiness surrounds me when I prioritize people who don't do the same for me.
Why do we do this to ourselves? My perspective leads me to believe that it's not benefiting either party. I know that there's anger and a confidence full of fallacy truly inside. I really don't know why I let these things get to me, but let's face it, it's definitely a challenge when you've given so much commitment; it's not that easy to let go. The other part of this is: should I be letting go? I've spent a year contemplating on this question and the actions of many friends bring me in and out of the decision to do so.
Until then, it has been overwhelming for me to handle, which is why I isolate myself so much. A definite level of trust is always questionable in my relationships with people. As much as I want to give myself to a person, I don't sense the warranty of an ideal relationship. Give me some closure at least. I haven't stepped up because I concluded that it wasn't my responsibility.
I don't want to go to Prom, Grad Nite, Senior Cruise, and all the other senior activities my senior activity card holds. I shouldn't be wasting my dad's money because I have wasted enough of it already.
As of now, I'm trying to fight the feeling of reclusion and pessimism. I want to end my year with the best possible feeling.

May 4, 2008
Wow. What a weekend.
Friday: MHS Dance Tryouts. Iron Man
Saturday: Cherie's Debut. Bianca's Downtown condo. Tin-Man at Ralphs.
Sunday: Bianca's Downtown condo. Corner of H&B conversations atop the porch and listening to Kanye's "Good Life". Waking up to the oven timer, watching the "Sunrise" on the balcony, while eating store-bought pizza. ACTIVE. Rehearsal... Usher!
For only $900k, we could live in the apartment. It had a view of downtown, the harbor, gaslamp, and the convention center. simply AMAZING. Then the parking garage was just full of Porches, Mercedes, BMW's, Lexus, Ferraris, and an Astrovan. This is my motivation.
Below are pictures from James' camera a while back, but technically, this was the same view.

April 28, 2008
I'm pretty much leaning towards going to Grossmont College. Hopefully I can stay on track and transfer in two years. While I know that I could ultimately finance my education elsewhere. What's actually ironic is that going to some of the private schools I got admitted into are cheaper than SDSU. I really don't want my parents at the bottom of their wallets for the next four years. I'm still unsure of what I'm doing with my career and I definitely want to keep dancing.
I would partially agree that applying to all these schools was a waste of time, however, I do have a clue of where I'm at and what I need to work on if I want to go where I want to be. If I was this successful in getting into college as a freshman, I should be able to keep it up as a junior.

USA Nationals: All Male/Twirl Flag TFAM

2008-03-10T21:53:00.001-07:00

Congrats to all the teams. Pictured here are West Covina, Long Beach Poly, Channel Islands, Narbonne, Bishop Montgomery, and Morse. BTW, All Male placed Third, the highest we've ever accomplished in the first time in three years for the first time for all member including third-years and first-years.